if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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