peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
