Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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