The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
