Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
