Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
