If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
