i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
