My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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