You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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