you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
