R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
