I accidentally had phone sex last night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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