I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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