sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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