Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
