Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
