I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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