I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
