this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
