Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
