Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
