Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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