i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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