On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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