areolas are like halos for boobs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
