can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
