i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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