i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
