I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
