i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
