i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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