Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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