apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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