she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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