guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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