the condom got lost in my hair
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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