im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
