You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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