If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
honey bunches of taint.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
