Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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