he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A bitchslap is in order.
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