From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
