There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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