i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This baby is an asshole
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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