You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
