Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
