from now on my penis is your penis
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
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I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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