An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
