im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize