Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
