My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
