i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
