i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
