just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
