Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
